Not Happy....

After my wife died many people have asked the question, "Are you Happy?" I'm sure that they're trying to help me in some way by asking. I gave up trying to find just the right answer that would really tell how I was truly feeling. Most times I just ended up tying my tongue in knots and ended up saying, "Yes". Maybe with the written word I can fair better. Here goes. Imagine you're taking a trip with that special someone in your life. The excitement has been building ever since you decided where you wanted to go. Each day the excitement builds more and more until the point where you feel that little kid inside of you wanting to jump up and down. On the way there you're both talking about what you can do and hope for fair weather. Upon reaching your destination you look around and face the horror of not finding your partner. They're nowhere to be found. Then the reality of knowing that you will never again see them sets in. Do you really feel happy to be at your destination? Now imagine that you can't go back home. You're stuck in a place that has now become more like a nightmare than the pleasant dream that you had of it before. Days go by and you find yourself exploring your new surroundings. You meet new friends, take up new hobbies and even feel better. Happy is a word that I still find difficult to use instead of better. Yes life goes on and I enjoy seeing each new day, but the word 'happy' isn't in my vocabulary at the present time.